Surat Cinta pertamaku

Dear Kazim,

I know it must seem strange of me to write you a letter when you’re only 24 days old but I hope you’ll indulge me. Guess what .. when you were in my tummy,Im not sure whether Im ready to be a mother or not! Ohh please forgive me sayang.It just..motherhood..scares me a lot!Tp kalau tak sekarang..bila lagi?My biological clock has begun its countdown..(yes Im young.....tp sampai bila pon kita muda kan?) I always tell myself that this pregnancy will change my life,,yes it's a lifetime commitment!You know, no more sleeping like a princess, no more spontaneous vacation, less freedom and of course..ada la benda2 yang taklih buat bila ada anak kecik. Yes, it takes me an hour to groggily go through the checklist of the essentials I need to bring with me.

Try as I might, I cant imagine myself dealing with you, Kazim. I can still remember when I were still pregnant and all those parents out there told me to "sleep while you can" and I just rolled my eyes at them.YES, Im afraid.
Let me tell you something, when Papa asked me to marry him,I never think about having any kids( btol ni..tak terpk langsung masa tu pasal anak2 sbb kami masa bercinta 3 tahun pon tak ckp pasal anak2 langsung!).I cant see myself as a mother( or good mom) even though Mommy has nephews and nieces..Forgive me sayang...

Truth be told Im not exceptionally worried about my weight gain( of course I hate my scars or stretch marks so badly), but I am little worried about motherhood.
One of mommy's friend told me.everything will change bila anak dah depan mata,kalau dulu dia kata tak suka budak-budak tp bila dah ada anak, lain pula .She herself might arrange for childcare for her baby but one day she will be going into an important meeting and she will think about her baby all day long.She have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.I convinced her..Im not that type!

Furthermore, mommy worried my relationship with papa will change forever.Im afraid Papa doesn't love me like before...or he might love me less.. .Mommy takut Papa bosan dengan baju mommy yg bau susu..hmm forgive me again.

BUT everything changed when you are finally arrived!It was as if I was punched in the gut. When I looked at my shiny stretch marks and scars, I want you to know that this marks will become badges of honor.Cewahhh..haruslah kan pengorbanan seorang ibu! Now, I fall in love with my husband again and again because of you!I wanted to tell you that how proud I am now.However most importantly, I wanted you to know how I treasured being your mom and I looked forward to all future with you.I love to hold you in my arms and I find myself watching you as you’re sleeping and I feel myself welling up with such love for you that it’s like my heart is going to burst,when I look at your little face, so innocent, pure and unspoiled, I just melt.

Let me tell you about your Papa. He is the most amazing person I’ve ever had the privilege to know and as you grow I hope you will realize how lucky you are to have him for your dad.As such, he bears a tremendous responsibility.
As my maternal instincts sneak to the forefront and motherhood becomes a question of when rather than why, I see things around me differently.When I stare deep inside your eyes, there's something about you.Time rolls along and mommy either get more sleep or get used to not having any ( mommy akan teman Kazim bila Kazim taknak tdo sambil mommy tgk Gossip Girls or other series okeh) , but either way, life gets easier. You make me smile :-)
Although mommy suka "eating" time nonetheless, I have struggled to breasfeed you. The pain was extcruciating during feeding and the discomfort persistent throughout the day..tp now Kazim dah pandai latch so mommy dah tak sakit lagi.I love when I breastfeed you, rasa mcm " mom and son" time pulak.Time yang kita berdua je share.I will try my best to breastfeed you for 2 years because I want to cherish "our time" together. You are growing too fast and Im afraid I will miss the "precious" moment.


All in all, there are only two things left to say to you, “I am proud of you and I love you.”
Thanks for being my son.

Love,
Mommy