Saturday, January 17, 2009

A moment in my life

Hey everybody!
Well I never thought I would be writing something like this.Fast forward, I had a retroverted uterus ( tilted uterus).

I went to see gynae few months after we got married and he told me about this bla bla..bla operation..known as the UPLIFT procedure that works to reposition the uterus by cutting and shortening the ligaments that support it. He said the two most commonly occurring symptoms include pain during sexual intercourse, particularly vaginal intercourse (dyspareunia) and pain during menstruation (dysmenorrhea).

He was afraid that I had a endometriosis too ( because of the tilted uterus) which is the growth of endometrial cells outside the uterus, which causes symptoms that may include painful periods and fertility problems. Sometimes, it can cause fertility problems if the scar tissue (adhesions) stops the released egg from getting to the fallopian tube.He told us that I was born like that and affects 20% women worldwide.

I told my gynae, I dont have any pain during menses ( thank god!).
I was freaked out about this( yerla..pergi gynae sbb lain, skali jd lain dah la suh operate!)
"So bila nak operate?"
"Hmm.."

I just cant answer him!
You have no idea how freaked out I was!Being scaredy- cat me. Rasa tak bermaya..mcm nak jalan dah tak boleh.( biasalakan, aku ni kalau dgr OPERATE je terus kaki jd lemah longlai..mcm nk terbang di awan biru je...hahaah)
So here goes my depression days tapi kejap jer..tak sampai 1 weeks pun. Apeng hari2 buat lawak and tried his best to make me happy.Im so lucky!

Obviously I know I can get pregnant with a tilted uterus.I did my research on the internet, books,magazines..ohh name it! Oh wait, I told my sist-in -law about it, K.In: she is a doctor, and Ive found that easier for me to talk to my own sister ( even she is Apeng'sist) She told me that, there's nothing to worry about.Operation is not the solution. So, I was relief. At least I got a positive answer. One day, K.Fuz called me and gave me this one number;Dr.C***** Lee so I went to see him and yes..I got a positive answer from him. But still, the pain doesnt go away..Maybe that's the reason why, my previous GP asked me to operate.Short cut.
My method is simple : get to know my own body better and try to relax as much as I can. I started doing yoga( it was before Haram fatwa was ruled) which helped me to relax my mind and stop thinking about the pain.Yeah ..it's silly to say but..it works!!
So it was..roughly 1 year ago. I was on SOMETHING ( takda kena mengena dgn pil perancang, pregnancy or ape2 ) but I must prevent myself from getting pregnant. Finally I had finished my SOMETHING-course,and I was ready to start a family. That was..after our 2nd anniversary.

Ramadhan ago , my period was delayed..about 10 days( my period always on the dot and never been this late)!! I had this swollen or tender breasts and severe cramps for the past few days.

After tarawih, I rushed to pharmacy and bought myself a pregnancy test. Gosh, I dunno how to use it. First time beli pregnancy test tu..rasa malu pun ada..bayangkan..I masuk kluar pharmacy tu 3-4 times. Dah amik, pastu bila tgk org tgk2, letak balik.. ..hahah apsal eh?

Apeng was not around, so I did myself.I went home and I did "the test" and I walked out of the bathroom. I set the timer on my watch.
tick tick tick... when the two minutes were up I anxiously went back into the bathroom.just waiting for 2 lines to show up.. finally I got my wish.
"It was positive!!!Yayyy"
..and I started crying..-overjoyed,disbelief..bla bla bla
I was extremely happy and that's the best things has happened to me during Ramadhan. I told Dila about the test since we were buka puasa together on that day....And I told Hanim about it. At least I can share with somebody. I was about to text Apeng but I stayed calm.I wanted to give him a surprise. Fast forward, I did a surprise to Apeng. He was shocked and was jumping happily. I can see his happy face and deep inside, this was something he really wanted, and I knew how badly he wants it.

Together, we went to visit a gynae and she confirmed that I was, indeed, pregnant.
"Yes you are pregnant, tapi tak nampak aper2 sac pun ni..now you are 6 weeks already.Patut nampak"
"oh, kalau camtu kenapa"
"saya takut ectopic pregnancy je ni, takpe, lagi 1 week awak dtg, maybe skang ni kecik lagi"

I was scared to death! I was hoping everything was going to turn out well. And yet, after 1 week, I had barely even begun to experience nausea when I noticed I was bleeding.
.I was curious. I began bleeding heavily with blobs of blood and cramping. .
Instinct had told me that all was not right and I knew the facts. One in three pregnancies ends in miscarriage but deep inside, I was hoping for a miracle.
At the hospital, they gave me an injection and Duphaston pills.
The doctor advised me to go home and wait for the bleeding to stop. I would return in a day for another examination. All I wanted was to sink into the ground.
Fact is fact..it was clearly a miscarriage. Habis semua keluar.Redha jelah.The night I miscarriage and the entire day after was my time to grieve. Tp lepas tu jumpa jugak doctor sbb nak check, mana la tau kena buat D&C kan...tapi rupanya dah "complete abortion" means dah kuar habis semua benda.Doctor told us:
"We suspected that, this early miscarriage caused by, the position of your "right ovary" that is failing to produce an adequate supply of pregnancy hormones.Urm, it is in a "funny position"
"What should we do?"
" As soon as you know that you are pregnant again, immediately come to us"
Yups, funny position sbb shifted ( sbb jatuh, accident or..ape2 hentakan).Tp mana la tahu sbb jatuh/accdent mcm ni skali kan?

I learned that so many people I knew had, had similar experiences. Having a miscarriage is very common. This was very comforting to me, it was my way of feeling like I was not alone.And I just put it this way..a miscarriage is an assurance that I am capable of conceiving* smile. Tapi ape yang tak bestnya, aku tak bole jadi macam org lain..bole surprise kan husband pasal pregnancy. Bole buat itu ini, sbb in my case, of course Apeng kena tahu bila aku pregnant sbb kami kena rush to hospital as soon as posibble I am positive.Kesian dia..

Now, it's just a beginning..and I will not give up.
The less I am worring about it, the more easily I will conceive, Insya-allah.
Stay tuned for our next adventures.
Wish me luck !
p.s: My intention is not to complain about my difficulties,I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to share my experience.And I feel good :-)


Love.

19 comments:

mama-ir said...

Hi Fadd... i had always been a silent reader of yours slps tserempak from the triplet blog... had the same experience of spontaneous abortion once, and after a year of grief and ready to try again physically and mentally, we concieved. Had to amik hormone awal2 to maintain the pregnancy plus spjg pregnant, i sts takut but Alhamdulillah, dgn doa dan kesabaran, you'll find the courage... semoga you sts tabah, and semoga Allah berikan lagi rezeki (banyak2) utk you... take care tau... and cepat2 check klu mens u delayed ye... and takyah segan2 gi pharmacy, beli je banyak2 buat stock, klu segan gak, apeng kan ada? ;)

Anonymous said...

Keep on trying bebeh! I'm glad I could made your day (refer previous entry). Lotsa doa Insyallah ada rezeki nanti! Be positive!!

shahi

mOmmy of Triplets plus One said...

i really tot at the end of the entry u gonna write "and now im pregnant again!"

xpe2...next week sure ade entry macam tu kn =)

shoe-addict-mom said...

fadd, dont be too hard on urself. everything happens for a reason, rite? insyaAllah, good things come to those who wait.. take care sis!

haneejane said...

I'm hoping to get pregnant this year. My prob is my irregular period. Urghh. Doa ye sama2. =)

nurulzia said...

hi dear,
xkisah kan if i link to ur blog?
well, it's ok..mungkin ALLAH nak beri yg lebih baik.. i pun baru lps m/carriage..rase frustrated sgt sgt..gud luck ya..

Shila said...

..a miscarriage is an assurance that I am capable of conceiving...

yeah, that is true. and i've read it somewhere in the book. masa awal2 dok buat research on conceiving & etc.

insyaallah, semoga rezeki you akan sampai jugak nanti... :)

Anonymous said...

Hye!
Ive the same condition as you.
Hmm...do u mine, giving me ur email add, Id prefer to share my part of story on this via email....

Marliza Radzi said...

hey sis. be strong. I pun menghadapi ujian yang sama last week, so I basically understand how you must be feeling. insyaAllah Allah has better plans for us!

The Mrs-Bride said...

ohh dear! i x penah tau.. ye lar, we lost contact for a while kan! hmmm.. don't worry! insyaAllah rezeki tu akan ada lagi.. :) my pregnancy pun i rasa cam pre-plan gak.. sbb i conceive ikot timing yg i sendiri check.. not like others, tiba2 je positive.. mine ala2 dah plan, right time i terus execute.. the result tup2 positive terus.. heh! insyaAllah u boley.... ;) take care tau! jgn stress2.. love ya! :)

jetsetter said...

Hi Ano.Thanks for the words :-)
My email- zamanshukur@yahoo.com.
Please take care.
muah

jetsetter said...

Hi mama-ir,
Urm..really?U amik hormon awal2?well..hmm thanks!Nway, Im ok now:-) Dapat pula org2 mcm you ni..yg selalu bg semangat.Of course I OK!
*wink

Shahi,
Hey..of course! U made my day tau :-) And..hari ni jugak..heheh

Mommy,
Hmm..bagus gakk tu idea u.Suka..suka.
takpe nxt mth I tulis k..hahah
I WISH!


Shoe-addict,
Thanks.Yea btol.Maybe ada lg yg baik tuk I..siapa tau kan?

haneejane,
Yes.Good luck to you! Insya-allah you will comceive :-)Amin!

nurulzia,
Eh of course I tak kesah..:-)
Yups..ala, kejap je frustrated ni,biasala kan..ratu air mata!:-)

Shila,
Yups..ayat tu..ayat paling I suka..bg i semangat gitu :-)

Marliza,
Thanks dear.Oh, sorry to hear!I hope your are doing good now.

Anita,
Tula..dah lama sgt tau kita lost ctc.I ada masalah nk add u kt YM.dah beratusan kali tau I add,tak dakah?

:: vErde+hAzizi :: said...

hey babe...we shared stories before right...ehhehehe...but what i remembered, that 1st gynea ade cakap ngan i, if i were to get pregnant with this retroverted uterus, the chances of miscarriage is quite high...thats what he claimed before...
nevertheless, just keep on trying k! ;)
I KNOW ITS HARD! AND ITS DEFINITELY HURT SO MUCH!!!
u hv a lovely husband that loves u unconditionally and only that matters ;)

shoe-addict-mom said...

sis! u've been tagged! ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi sis,
ur story lebih kurang mcm i. Bln 7 las yr, kandungan yg ke-2...masuk jer 6weeks...doc kata "complete abortion". sedey mmg sedey coz hubby mmg nk anak lg.
Aftr 3 mths...gud news lg...doc kata i pregnant & now dh 3 mths. our 2nd baby will b arrived on july 09

twisted said...

hey u there,
its amazing how this entry can connect ppl! i experienced something lke dat last december..
it sorta kills u that test says +ve.. yet u dun see anything to proof it.

dun worry. just try again and again. Allah has better plans up his sleeve. insyAllah rezeki tu ada. i am trying too!

lets pray together okies :)

jetsetter said...

hi twisted!!!
Thanks for dropping :-)
Urmm..kann??bagus gak mcm ni..at least kita ada sesi "luahan perasaan :-)

salzahari said...

i know which gynae u met that asked u to go for opt...me, had same experience when trying to conceive the 2nd (lost my 1st at 26weeks).

mmg cuak giler..cuak sbb nak kena opt and cuak pikir harga! nasib seek for 2nd 3rd opinions from other specialist..it's not necessary once u'd conceived.

a week after we met him,we met another celeb.gynae which gave us good motivation and technics :p but we didn't apply any since 2weeks afterthat, the test turned out +ve!

alhamdulillah...my lil' princess now is 15months.

Anonymous said...

The information here is great. I will invite my friends here.

Thanks